What To Do: A Do's and Don't's Survival-Type Guide

Hey, kids! Can you guess what time it is? OF COURSE NOT, because time zones are evil! It's time for Alex to put up a new feature called "What To Do: A Do's and Don't's Survival-Type Guide"! Here, I'm going to help you with survival on the internet and other things!

Today's edition...

WHAT TO DO IF TK2 WANTS TO CONVERSE WITH YOU

Alex, Hazel, and TK2 get beamed onto a random, physics-defying floating rock.
Alex: What are we doing here?
Hazel: I have no idea.
TK2: It's all because of an unfare plot! Hey, I posted! I POSTED! I POSTED!

Don't #1: Don't correct TK2's grammar.

Alex: Hey, I believe the word you are looking for is "unfair".

TK2 will just try and criticize you for something stupid.

TK2: Yeah well yor the 1 who made Boswer's species a Koopa King, Alex! It's obviously Spiked Koopa! You fail, so don't correct my grammar!
Hazel: You mean, you registered Bowser as a Koopa King? What were you thinking?
Alex: Hey, you're the one who broke up with me because your brother threw a hissy fit, so don't criticize me about what I was thinking!
TK2: You shold stop arguing! The Mushroomite Gods wouldn't approve!

Much like spraying water on an electrical fire, you will only make the problem worse.

*Time turns back*

Don't #2: Don't tell him to stop yelling "I POSTED!"

Alex: I know that you posted. I can see that clearly.
TK2: Well, how else can I tell you I posted?

He is incapable of getting the point.

Alex: You could just wait for me to see your post and not say anything about how you posted.
TK2: Well, how else can I tell you I posted?
Alex: I just said...
TK2: Well, how else can I tell you I posted?

Like I just said...

*Time turns back*

Don't #3: Don't try to converse with him.

Alex: I'm just going to walk away...
Hazel: Who are you, Neku from TWEWY? I'm going to go talk to him.

You'll regret it.

Hazel walks up to TK2.
Hazel: So, what's going on.
TK2: O, not much. Wephiles s goin too smite Darkling. She disapproves of him being evil.

Don't worry about it; TK2 disapproves of everything that isn't his opinion or belief. And if you made the mistake of conversing with him...

Don't #4: Don't bring logic into the picture/don't tell him that he's an opiniophobe.

Hazel: Did you even get Zecronno's permission for that?
TK2: Well, kno. But Wephiles has too smite him! She has to smite villins!

It is the equivilant of going from the first layer of Dante's Inferno to the second.

Hazel: Can't you make your own villains for her to smite?
TK2: Kno! She ha to smite other poepless villains!

And that is like going from the second layer to the third.

*Time turns back*

So, how do you escape this evil trap? Simple! Just...

Do #1: Ignore TK2

Hazel: I think I'll go talk to him...
Alex: No.
Alex grabs Hazel by the head and turns her away from TK2 before looking away himself.

You wouldn't add fuel to an out of control fire, so why would you talk to TK2? Sure, he may talk...

TK2: Hey, Alex? ALEX! ALEX!!! Are you listening? ALEX!!! I posted!

But he'll be more of a broken record than a Milli Vanilli song.

TK2: I POSTED!

Girl, you know it's!

TK2: I POSTED!

It's!

TK2: I POSTED!

It's!

TK2: I POSTED!

It's!

TK2: I POSTED!

It's!

TK2: I POSTED!

You get the point. And just like Milli Vanilli, he will be booed away after being found a lip-syncer. However, if he remains...

Do #2: Bake some cookies

This sounds counter-productive, but trust me, it works!

Alex pulls an oven and some cookie dough and ingredients out of hammerspace.
Alex: Hey, as long as we're stuck on this physics-defying floating rock, why don't we bake some cookies?
Hazel: SURE!

What To Do if you are on a physics-defying floating rock and have to bake cookies will be a later edition.

While Alex and Hazel bake cookies...
TK2: Hey, are thos cookies? ow! They look GOD! I posted! Can I have one? I'll tell you I posted! Hey, did you know Wephiles will...

But before you get all friendly and attention-paying, you might want to consider...

Don't #5: Don't give TK2 a cookie

Hazel: Sure, why not?
Hazel pulls a miraculously finished cookie out of the oven and tosses it to TK2, who takes a bite out of it. Suddenly, the physics-defying floating rock and TK2 start shaking as a rubber suit falls onto TK2.
Stereotypical Japanese Person: IS TK2JIRA!
Stereotypical Japanese People scream and run around in circles as TK2 roars, oddly sounding like a cow's moo played in reverse and set to a much higher pitch, and stomps around cardboard, 1/216th models of a city, his arms stuck in one position (to his sides and straight out).

Yes, cookies turn TK2 into the mighty TK2dzilla! Feared only by people on islands somewhat near Japan, he is presumably a force of nature and cannot be stopped!*

Alex: That is the worst natural disaster ever.

Gee, thanks for ruining the drama, jerk.

Time turns back to when Hazel and Alex were baking cookies.

Should TK2 refuse to go away after you ignore him while baking cookies, then please turn to...

Do #3: Distract yourself until TK2 goes away

There are several things you can use as distractions until TK2 goes away! After you are done baking cookies, take out whatever electronic device you have in your pocket and play with it!
Alex: Do you have an iPod or something in your pocket?
Hazel: No.
Alex: Sucks for you.
Alex takes out an iPod and listens to it.

Take a lesson from TWEWY, or the average high school girl: Nothing says "I'm antisocial" like listening to headphones in a crowded area! If you want to take it a step further, like the average high school girl does, sing along badly to whatever is being played on your iPod and laugh obnoxiously at lyrics, even if they aren't funny!

Alex remains listening to his iPod.

Thankfully, our subject has some sense, and isn't an average high school girl.

Hazel improvises, pulls an arcade machine for Tetris out of hammerspace, and starts playing it.
TK2: So, Wephiles is smiting Darkling, because he is an imposter god! Well, not really, but I think he's an imposter! And even though Batman's not a super-being, I consider him one! And...
Alex's eyebrow twitches.

Do #4: If TK2 fails to get the hint and go away after you distract yourselves, ban him!

Alex just stands there and Hazel continues playing Tetris.

I said, ban him!

Alex just stands there and Hazel continues playing Tetris.

Well, scratch that.

Do #4: If TK2 fails to get the hint and go away after you distract yourselves, ban him!

Revised Do #4: If TK2 fails to get the hint and go away after you distract yourselves, and you are a staff member, then sit around and do nothing until one of you cracks and bans him!

After about five minutes of Hazel playing (and failing at) Tetris and Alex listening to the Sam and Max War Song over and over, TK2's existance is ripped out of the core of his being by a blast from a ban cannon, causing him to disappear. Perfect timing, as Alex's iPod is out of batteries and Hazel sucks at Tetris.

Do #5: When TK2 is gone, enjoy your cookies!

See? There was a use for baking cookies after all!

Alex: The cookies still aren't done.
Hazel: That's too bad, because I kind of have to use the bathroom, and I should really get off this physics-defying floating rock...

No! Please! Stay there! We need you for...

Alex grabs Hazel, turns into Dark Alex, and flies off, leaving the oven there.

Darn it.

THE END!

Disclaimers**:
*How to stop TK2dzilla will be a later edition.
**These disclaimers in small print were stolen from Godot/Billiards Koopa. Please do not sue.